Hello! It’s me, Boop! I was so excited to see all of you at Sci-Fi Family Day! Thank you! Your costumes were amazing! We hope you had fun.
I have a very exciting announcement. I will be attending the 2020 Ignite the Spark Gala! It’s true! I was invited and everything! Hilary, the General Aquarium Curator here at Discovery World and my BEST HUMAN FRIEND IN THE WHOLE WORLD, told me so! I’m her +1 or something.
Are you going? I hope you’re going. I’m super excited! It’s my first gala ever. And I’m kind of going out of my mind because I have NOTHING TO WEAR! These parties are always so fancy (or so I’ve heard), and I can’t find a tuxedo in my size.
“Boop,” you might say. “You’re a fancy turtle who lives in a science center. You should have eight or nine tuxedos tailored just for you because of your many public appearances.”
You are absolutely right. I am a fancy turtle, but I don’t have a single tuxedo. THIS IS SCANDALOUS. What’s even more scandalous is that I don’t make as many public appearances as a wildly adorable turtle that blogs probably should.
Sure, there was the time I got to christen a cruise ship. That was fun. And one year I got to dance and lip synch on a float in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. That was interesting.
Once I got to throw out the first pitch at Miller Park. You might be surprised to learn that I do not have a cannon for an arm. Instead of making it all the way to home plate, the ball rolled down the pitcher’s mound a little ways before it came to a humiliating stop. I THREW IT AS HARD AS I COULD. The crowd booed. THEY BOOED A TURTLE! They were probably Cubs’ fans.
And once I got shoved into a groundhog costume and had to pretend to be whatever the Lodi version of Punxsutawney Phil is. I still don’t know what that was about.
Anyway, it’s all good. Mostly because none of those things happened. Also, I’m going to the Gala! And I was poking around Discovery World’s annual Ignite the Spark Gala Silent Auction looking for a tuxedo in my size (either extra-super-duper small is not a size or they didn’t have one), when I came across something incredibly strange.
Did you know that there are many exciting items with no bids? I KNOW! No bids at all. That’s so sad. All those incredible prizes and experiences with no bids just sitting there like, I don’t know, a puppy… lost and alone, shivering and whimpering in the cold, grey autumn rain. Is that one Sarah McLachlan song playing in your head now? Good! It was playing in mine, too! I nearly started crying.
“Pull it together, Boop,” I said to myself. “This is not a time for sadness. This is a moment of opportunity. Sure, other people can ignore those incredible items and experiences, the ones with the big, sad, adorable eyes yearning for a warm home and someone to love them. You will not ignore them. You will take them in. You will love them. You will give them a home.”
This a great opportunity for me (and possibly you) to support Discovery World and win fantastic prizes on the cheap. Everyone is so busy outbidding each other on that awesome golf package and the tasty beer and beef jerky package that they’ll miss out on some really cool experiences! And if you are bidding on that awesome golf package and the tasty beer and beef jerky package, don’t stop bidding! Keep going! Someone is going to win those, and it really should be you!
What would I bid on and win?
I have always wanted to learn a martial art like Taekwondo, and I would begin my Taekwondo journey at J.K. Lee. The kicking! The fitness! The self-confidence! The courtesy, integrity, perseverance, self-control, and indomitable spirit! The breaking of boards with my feet! SO MUCH FUN! J.K. Lee Taekwondo is awesome! (UPDATE! THIS HAS A BID NOW, BUT ONLY ONE!)
I would learn self-defense at J.K. Lee, too. I mean, turtles are already pretty good at self-defense what with the whole retreat-into-our-shells thing we do. BUT THERE IS SO MUCH MORE TO KNOW!
I could win this gorgeous Gibson Les Paul Studio guitar because I love music, even though I don’t play, and I can’t hear all the notes. Turtles don’t hear like humans do. That’s why I really like jazz. The great Miles Davis even said, “The notes you don’t hear are as important as the ones you do.” He said something like that. Anyway, I would bid on this guitar, win this guitar, learn to play this guitar, and then go on tour with Genesis or the Jonas Brothers or maybe even a K-Pop group! What? K-Pop totally shreds. Not all the time. It shreds when it wants to.
I would go sailing aboard the S/V Denis Sullivan with Beep and all of my Discovery World turtle friends. The wind! The waves! The sun! The excitement! The exploration! BRING IT ON!
I WOULD TAKE SPIN CLASSES, assuming my turtle feet could reach the pedals! (UPDATE! I HAVE LEARNED THAT MY FEET WILL NOT REACH THE PEDALS, WHICH IS GOOD BECAUSE THIS ITEM HAS A BID ON IT NOW.)
I WOULD LEARN TO DANCE!
I WOULD HANG OUT WITH SANTA! The real Santa. The definite article.
Because I am only five-years old, I would NOT bid on and win a virtual wine tasting (with real wine). I am way too young and way too much of a turtle to try a variety of delicious wines from small, independent winemakers that you simply can’t find in stores. (UPDATE! SOMEONE HAS BID ON THIS. DO NOT LET THEM GET AWAY WITH IT! THIS VIRTUAL WINE TASTING IS YOURS. ALSO, THANK YOU TO THE WONDERFUL PERSON THAT BID ON THIS.)
I would consult with Susan J Designs – Designs is probably not her actual last name – and come up with a plan to redecorate the inside of my tank. I want to transform it into multi-use space with layered, contrasting décor. Oh, and I want shiplap everywhere. I LOVE SHIPLAP! Looking at her portfolio, Susan J doesn’t seem to use much shiplap. Beep and I can fix that.
AND I WOULD ABSOLUTELY BID ON AND WIN THIS TLC AND SWAG FOR YOUR PUP PACKAGE. It comes with a bandana for my dog and a hat for me. Wait. I don’t have a dog. I know! I’ll get a dog. I mean, maybe the Aquarists will let me have a dog. That seems like a reasonable request. I’ll feed it and take it for walks and play with it, I promise. THIS IS A VERY EXCELLENT PLAN!
(YET ANOTHER UPDATE. I WANT A DOG. I WANT TO PUT A BANDANA ON THAT DOG. YOU ARE STOMPING ALL OVER MY DREAMS, WHOEVER BID ON THIS. ALSO, THANK YOU FOR BIDDING ON THIS. ALSO, THE AQUARISTS WON’T LET ME GET A DOG. THIS IS PROBABLY FOR THE BEST.)
Anyway, THERE IS SO MUCH EXCITING STUFF TO BID ON AND WIN! You should bid on and win all these things before I do.
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